The Civil War is so interesting, nyah

The Maximum Leader, my go-to source for blogging inspiration these days, has written a longish bit on why he thinks the Civil War is bollox. ML claims that the Civil War is interesting, at best, in a purely tactical sense, or perhaps as a parade of amusing incompetence on the part of the Union generals. Now, I for one am not going to say that hundreds of thousands of Civil War round table participants, re-enactors, historians and others have wasted their lives in such a tragic manner.

In fact, I find the Civil War fascinating in large part exactly because of many of the things the Maximum Leader finds icky and bad-smelling.

The wars’ end was a foregone conclusion. Well, let’s let the odds makers decide and not run the race, what? The Greeks, faced with the unprecedented size and strength of the Persian army, should have just rolled over. But Marathon, Thermopylae, Salamis and Plataea proved that the side facing the short end of the materials and logistics stick is not normally foredoomed to failure. Granted, the safe bet is, as Napoleon remarked, on the side of the biggest battalions. But the safe bet is not always the winning bet.

Many of the Confederate leaders were well aware of Greek history, and in fact made conscious analogy between their cause and Sparta. This, considering the lot of the Messenian Helots, and the eventual fate of Sparta once the Thebans got sufficiently pissed off at them, was an ironic choice of historical model. Lee was certainly aware of the material advantages of the North, yet he and his army fought anyway. That is historical drama of the best sort.

What-if’s. The Civil War has, more than any other war, been the fount of what-if scenarios. (Read any good alternate WWI stories lately?) The underdog south came close – if not to winning outright – to putting a serious spoke in the Union’s wheel on several occasions. And the margins that saw them fall short were often short indeed. The south got the cream of the US military leadership, and they eked out every last bit of potential from the Rebel armies. Few could argue that the south missed its chance for lack of trying.

It was not until late in the war that the North even had commanding generals worthy of the name – Sherman, the only real strategic genius in the war, and Grant, who was dogged, determined and tactically skilled enough to actually put the Union armies’ advantages into battle, no matter what the cost. The most fertile ground for speculation, therefore, is in the earlier stages of the war, when southern advantages in leadership and elan gave some chance of overthrowing northern advantages of numbers and supply.

Most of these what-ifs focus, typically, on Antietam and Gettysburg. If the orders hadn’t been lost before Antietam, surely Lee and Jackson could have run wild through the north. Or Gettysburg, which is often called the high water mark of the Confederacy. Those are wrong, however. I think the most interesting turning point is Jackson’s depression in the seven days.

The thing is, the south was looking for its Thermopylae, and got it in hundreds of battles, small and large, where they slowed or even stopped but could not destroy the union army. And always at heavy cost of irreplaceable Confederate soldiers. What they needed was a Salamis, the titanic gamble that paid off in the annihilation of the Persian Army. Which is what Lee almost had in the Seven Day’s. McClellan had fallen back from Richmond; and Lee, finally in command, was pushing the Union troops down the Peninsula. He was aiming at a colossal envelopment, and he needed Jackson to bring the other arm home. If Jackson had done so, the entire Army of the Potomac might have been destroyed or captured. But Jackson, uncharacteristically, was not as aggressive as he was in the Shenandoah, or at Chancellorsville. The pincer didn’t close, and the Union Army was able to escape.

All of these what-ifs are endlessly fascinating mostly because the war should have lasted about three months and ending in total Union victory. The very fact that the able Confederate military leaders were able to prolong the war so long in the face of numerous Union advantages is remarkable – the achievement of the impossible. It is almost irresistible to think, that with some change, they might have pulled off their Salamis.

Foreign involvement. I largely agree with the Maximum Leader’s professor in thinking that it would have taken an extraordinary confluence of events to cause France or Britain to become involved in the Civil War. The fact is that it served both of their interests to see the United States divided, or at least exhausted by internecine warfare. France’s ambitions in Mexico, and Britain’s more global interests, both were advanced by America self-destructing.

The reason it would have taken a unique set of circumstances to see foreign intervention is that two things would have to happen: a signal Confederate victory that would make at least diplomatic recognition reasonable, and something to overcome the continental power’s distaste (in Britain’s case, extreme distaste) for the South’s “peculiar institution.”

One thing that nearly did it was the Trent incident. The Federal Navy seized a British Mail Steamer carrying two Confederate diplomats. This violation of British sovereignty rather exercised the Brits. If it had been followed, a few months later by a victory in the Seven Days’ Battles, we might have seen British diplomatic recognition if not actual intervention. By Antietam, I think it was already too late, and Lincoln learned from the Trent Affair not to piss of the Brits.

Lee. All of the major military figures in the Civil War were flawed, well, because they were human. They are interesting because of those flaws. Jackson, a religious fanatic. Lee, the good man who chose the wrong side. Grant, the drunk who overcame the drink. Sherman, the depressive who was the most brilliant strategist of the war. WWI is not interesting in the way that the Civil War is largely because there are no contending minds on the opposing sides. The story of the war is the story of innocents thrown to the slaughter by the millions, for marginal gains and little strategic purpose over four years, to achieve a (nearly) Carthaginian peace that led inexorably to even greater slaughter. It’s depressing. The Civil War, while certainly not absent immense slaughter (the slaughter was all that the technology of the time could manage, and more) saw strategic contest, a conflict of wills that is inherently fascinating.

In the early stages, the brilliance of the team of Lee and Jackson is balanced by the frustration and tenacity of Lincoln. But as the war drew on, in the west arose Union commanders the equal of the best the Confederacy had to offer. The narrow window of opportunity for the South to make use of its advantage in leadership passed, and Sherman and Grant caught Lee in what is really the largest envelopment in military history, with Grant as the anvil in the north and Sherman coming up from the south as the hammer.

All of this would be fodder for the military enthusiast – and it is, of course. Jackson’s valley campaign, Sherman’s march to the sea, the duel between Lee and Grant – these are all celebrated campaigns that are studied in military academies throughout the world. What makes it all so endlessly fascinating is the moral dimension of the conflict. Now, most of that has been overlaid over what was thought by the participants at the time. Lee certainly didn’t feel that he was fighting solely to preserve slavery. From our perspective, however, it is a story of good v. evil, freedom v. slavery. A story made compelling by the lack of personal evil on the part of many leaders on the “bad” side, and by the incompetence, greed, insanity, drunkenness or timidness of many on the “good” side.

That, my friends, is good historical drama. Again, contrast with the Great War. Both sides were imperial powers leaping into war with no real thought for the consequences. Destroying, nearly, a civilization by accident, and in the process killing millions for no gain and in the end not resolving anything, in fact, setting the stage for yet more destruction. The leadership of the Allies was no more honorable, good, competent or nice to puppies than that of the Central Powers. There is little to distinguish the two sides, and that makes the war about as interesting as watching someone punch themselves in the face. Sickly amusing for a moment, but after a while you just want it to stop.

Anyway, that’s why I like the Civil War, and why the Maximum Leader is wrong. But at least he’s wrong in an interesting way.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 7

Austria Trains Chinese Mountain Men

No, there is no Chinese analogue to "Jeremiah Johnson".

Die Welt is reporting that the Austrian military recently conducted mountain warfare training for a clutch of Chinese officers.

The feds claim that the training really amounted to survival in alpine climates, with general mountaineering, constructing improvised shelters, operating without a supply chain, and the like, and without a direct combat training portion. A small group of Hungarians and Montenegrins also attended, and the whole exercise fell under the rubric of recent EU-China military cooperation agreements.

Those opposed in the Austrian gubmint are a-froth, however, claiming that these officers' new training can only be applied in Tibet and in the context of special operations forces, light units operating beyond their supply line in hostile terrain.

I don't think I'm being overly cynical if I believe it's both, although the article headline- "Federal Army Trains Chinese Military"- overstates the event a bit. By which I mean, alot. And further concerns that Austria would now be complicit in human rights abuses in Tibet is also a touch overstated.

There was a somewhat similar flap years ago when Germany was all set to sell Turkey some... I believe they were Leopard IIs, which might have been a fairly straightforward arrangement between two allied powers, but some people were bent out of shape about it for fear that they would be used to kill Kurds.

But I think that if you're going to be in the business of arms sales- which in the Austrian example includes training- then I think people need to understand that that weaponry or training might actually be applied someday. Maybe even soon.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 0

Updated Ministerial Batting Order

As our loyal reader knows...

*ahem*

That is, as our loyal readers know, the addition of Mapgirl to the Ministry creates tremendous opportunities for everyone concerned. Most immediately, it allows for Perfidious output to triple, with now three ministers posting regularly. The Ministry gets Mapgirl's fanbase from her prior solo albums, while Maps gets to learn more than she ever cared to about whiny white boys.

Now, aside from having to add a lady's room to the Ministry Culture Bunker and Catastratorium (a real drag trying to find entities willing to work on plumbing so deep underground, by the way- something about disturbing the dreams of the dread Quul-ka-gaar, who lies somewhere between sleep and death, totally blind yet needing only a faint scent of blood or sound of a beating heart- which he can sense miles through the very rock itself- to awaken and devour all who dare venture near his subterranean lair 1itself a semi-sentient entity named Gulgortekiket, which rendered from the archaic primeval speech is something like "Womb of Unseeing Horror" with venom and fang, claw and spike. At least, I think that's what they said; I really didn't understand most of their gibberish), we do get the flair of a woman's touch to the place. You'd be amazed, really, what some window treatments (for the bunker's simulated windows) and throw pillows (for the bunker's simulated furniture) really can do to an apocalyptic refuge. Really.

There is also the little matter of promotion among the Ministers. With Mapgirl on board, the Ministry announces the following changes:

Ross has transcended physical being and now exists purely as thought. He may deign to manifest physically on occasion to post, but will usually opt to exist in your brain, expressing himself as a nagging feeling that you're probably quite wrong.

Buckethead now blogs at Deity level.

Johno's baked goods are now so tasty, they roll in the Shift-X column against "bleh".

GeekLethal will continue to post 6 times a year, whether he needs to or not, but will feel even guiltier about it.

Patton can live indoors now, but will still only be fed in his own bowl.

And Mapgirl will provide all fresh hot towels, drinks, clean dishes, and the relentless feeling that the other Ministers have done something wrong even though we haven't and christ didn't we just get you flowers like two weeks ago.

Please update your salutations and address information accordingly.

End communication.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 4

One MEAN Looking Car

Check out the sexy clean lines on the new BMW M3 concept car! OMG. Sorry Ross, you can take your 5-series and drive it into the drink. THIS is the car to have.

I confess, I actually can't really drive an M3. I've tried. I'm so used to soft Japanese clutches, that I don't lay off the clutch and feed it gas quickly enough to keep from stalling. I stall out pretty badly. (Granted that was a test drive in a friend's car almost 8 years ago when I didn't drive regularly.)

But I so totally want this car, or the M3 SMG. The paddles are kinda nifty. I was sitting in one the other day and thinking, "This is a year's worth of my salary. BUT HOLY COW is it nice." I mean, if I had to take a machete and kill the cow they were going to use to make the leather seats, just to get this car, I would. I know the other ministers would help out, just for a chance to take the car on the track. (HELL YEAH!)

This is one MEAN looking car. That stare you down, glare at you over the tops of the glasses, and tell you to get the fuck out of the way mean. In a 'I broke my nose in a fight' mean kind of way. (I can't say I like the bump on the hood. It's exactly like a broken nose.)

This is the PERFECT SPECIMEN of what I need to conquer the left lane of the Dulles Toll Road with my "Smart Pass". Who's smart now muthafucka?

Hat tip to fellow PF Blogger, Hazzard of Everybody Loves Your Money for the link.

Posted by Mapgirl Mapgirl on   |   § 5

Happy Welcome To Me

As my friends like to say, Sieg Mapgirl!

Thank you dear Ministers for this lovely opportunity to rant and rave, thus sparing readers of my other blog from my less than genteel opinions of the world.

For a misanthrope, it means a lot when I say, "Awwwww. I love you guys." Because really we know that it's a lie and I secretly hate men.

I promised Buckethead that I'd write about budgeting for zombies. He didn't specify how, but I assume he actually meant zombie defense and not care and feeding. First of all, let me tell you that Shaun of the Dead had it wrong. Never toss your old vinyls. You could sample that shit and be the next DJ Dangermouse. But I'll get to that later. Right now, the game is just to get out of the hot seat and stick someone else with it.

Now where are the cabana boys to bring me a Guinness?

Posted by Mapgirl Mapgirl on   |   § 0

A Fine Place for a Rebel Base

Researchers atop Mount Washington, New Hampshire's answer to a Dantean vision of frozen Hel (except with a mountain in the middle instead of a giant winged Satan devouring classical villains), discovered that boiling water instantly freezes up there. Dig it.

I expect they will soon also discover that tauntauns don't only smell bad on the outside.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 0

You can't call us bigoted, exclusionary, male chauvinist bastards anymore

The Ministry is pleased to inform you that yet another blogger has been assimilated into our perfidious collective. Loyal reader, successful blogger, and knitter Mapgirl has, after years of begging, been accepted into the fold. The Ministry would like to make clear that we did not resist bringing Mapgirl on as a Minister years earlier because she was a girl. Or because she knits, or because we are prejudiced in any way toward any ethnic, social, religious, technical, or recreational group that Mapgirl might be a member of. It is only because we didn't think she was serious when she said she wanted to join. Finally, the Ministry was made aware of the error of its mistake when Maps stopped being subtle, sly, and making oblique references to the desirability of Ministerial rank and just said, "Let me in, or I'll plant my size six Doc Martins so far up your ass you'll taste Kiwi Black Shoe Polish for a week."

Once things were made clear, things started moving. The code gnomes were roused from their slumber, and whipped into action. The left sidebar bears the fruit of their pain, in the form of a new entry for our newest minister. As we speak, her passwords, credentials and secret decoder ring are wafting their way through the internets, and soon, we will be privileged to read our first post from our new minister.

The Ministry insists that everyone welcome Mapgirl. Thank you for your cooperation.

Posted by Ministry Ministry on   |   § 9

"Thurmond and Sharpton: Past is still present"

Old story - ancient, in fact. Didn't this come out last week some time? The week before? Whatever.

What makes it new again, at least for me, is the commentary in today's hometown Houston Chronicle by the Miami Herald's Leonard Pitts, Jr.:

Somewhere, the gods are amused.

Sharpton is not. He has pronounced himself torn by conflicting emotion: humiliation, anger, pride and, above all, shock.

The reaction from Thurmond's family, meanwhile, has been characterized by that curious shrug of shoulders, that ambivalence and eagerness to change the subject, one often finds in white people when slavery gets personal.

"I don't feel one way or the other," Thurmond's 74-year-old niece, Doris Strom Costner, told the Washington Post.

"I have no comment," Paul Thurmond, the senator's youngest son, told the New York Daily News.

Somewhere, all the other the race-baiters like Al "Tawana Brawley" Sharpton are also amused.


Note: Strangely missing from the Wikipedia entry linked above is the Sharpton Jew-baiting incident which resulted in riots and dead Hasidim in Crown Heights during 1991. Also missing, the incitement to burn Freddie's Fashion Mart in Harlem during 1995, resulting in yet more deaths. So much for Wikipedia's previously impeccable reputation for completeness. Oh, it also omits his 1983 brush with the FBI, reported in 2002 along with his apparently still-unsuccessful $1 billion lawsuit against HBO for having aired the tape of the event, after which he allegedly turned into an FBI informer to avoid investigation for involvement in drug transactions on behalf of Don King and the NY Mob. A complete and total piece of shit work, this guy.

Anyway, Pitts seems surprised to find that Thurmond's descendants don't feel personally responsible, or even embarrassed, by the actions of people whose lives predate their own by 100 years or more. Imagine that! What the hell's wrong with those people?

Sharpton feels humiliation (as though Thurmond had owned him?), anger (for what, I don't know), pride, and shock. Those last two, I can understand - it's not often that a demagogue of his stature is handed an issue, on a silver platter, that his mouth-breathing fellow travelers in the "professional outrage for shake-downs, fun, and profit" community, if nobody else, can take seriously and run with. So he's equally shocked and proud.

Normally, you see, such agitators have to incite or invent their own, well, agita.

Pitts continues:

Of course, by this point, maybe he has stopped listening. Maybe you have, too. Mention of that 350 years tends to have that effect.

Hence the ambivalence — "nervous chuckles," reported the Orlando Sentinel of a visit to Thurmond's hometown — that greeted last week's news in some quarters. Small wonder. It removed the shield of abstract. It put a face on the thing. And the danger is that if we can imagine that face, we can imagine others.

Condoleezza Rice purchased as breeding stock.

Oprah Winfrey raped on a nightly basis.

Will Smith, his back split open by a whip.

Sen. Barack Obama living with the same rights under the law, the same expectation of dignity, as a horse or a chair.

We spend a lot of time running from this. But we never escape.

Lost on Pitts is the utter absurdity, in today's world or any world that's existed in the past 50 years, for ANY of the things he lists as bogeymen to actually occur. So we're "running from" putative, but completely imaginary, future shit that would never, ever occur anywhere but in the fevered brains of those who can't bear to see the racial divide bridged.

And if Pitts, Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and the myriad others who make all or part of their livings being the agents for the perpetually aggrieved have their way, damned straight, we'll never escape.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 4

And you think 911 is slow to respond?

I guess it might be in certain areas, but it's instantaneous, when compared to something like that reported in this UK Telegraph story:

Two female students had heard Mr Safronov's body land and reported that he was still alive. They rang emergency services and were told to ring back in 30 minutes if the journalist was still moving. By that time he was dead.

[wik] Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

[alsø wik] Unrelated memo to myself: Don't even think of pissing off Vladimir Putin.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0